The Wonderful Lizard of Laws
by Cke1st
Summary: Astrid is carried off to a faraway land where her friends are acting strange and her enemies are even nastier than usual. She seeks help from an unknown dragon, but the price tag could be higher than she can pay. Rated K-plus just to be safe. Please note that I will probably never finish this story. Enjoy it for what it's worth.
1. Chapter 1

**The Wonderful Lizard of Laws** Chapter 1

 _A/N_  
 _Astrid is carried off to a faraway land where her friends are acting strange and her enemies are even nastier than usual. She seeks help from an unknown dragon, but the price tag could be higher than she can pay. Rated K-plus just to be safe._

 _Please note that I am breaking my own rule by posting this story. It is incomplete and will probably never be finished; I've simply run out of ideas for where it should go. Enjoy the chapters (there are five of them) for what they're worth._

 **o**

"Oh, for Thor's sake, Hiccup! _Please_ tell me you did that on purpose!" Astrid was getting very frustrated. This boy had no aptitude for anything Viking-like at all!

She was trying to teach him to use a weapon - any kind of weapon would do - in case he got caught in a bad situation where neither she nor Toothless was around to help defend him. He seemed to show the most aptitude with the sword, which meant that was the weapon he was least likely to kill himself with. It helped when she stopped trying to force him to wield it right-handed.

Finding a sword small enough for his frail arm to handle was an adventure in itself, but they finally found something long enough to be useful, but light enough that he could lift it and swing it. A saber, Gobber called it. He'd gotten it as part of a trade for some more manly weapons, and hung it on the wall of the forge; it looked nice, but he never imagined that a Viking would choose such a flimsy-looking blade. It turned out to be a perfect fit for Hiccup.

Astrid was learning that "perfect" can be a relative term. She was no expert with the sword, but she could barely turn around without disarming him or knocking him down. He had no strength for parrying, he was always fooled by the most obvious feints, and his footwork... she was beginning to think that his metal leg was the better of the two.

But this... _this_ was the last straw. She'd come at him with a simple slash/thrust combo, and not only did he fail to parry the slash, he'd tripped over his own scabbard and fallen flat on the Academy floor. She glared down at him, disgusted at his sheepish I'm-doing-my-best expression. "Come _on,_ Hiccup! You're not even trying!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Figure out which side I'm on," he muttered, discouraged.

For a moment, his words stabbed at her; she remembered the last time she'd glared down at him like that in this very location. But this was too important to let him distract her. "Hiccup, I know you're not afraid of fighting. You've fought _dragons!_ Why is this so difficult?"

"Fighting dragons isn't the same thing at all! I tried rubbing you under your chin last time, and you hit me for it," he protested as he got to his feet. "Face it, Astrid. I'll never be the Viking you expect me to be."

That got to her. Was she putting impossible expectations on him, just like his father used to do? Would that lead to another fractured relationship, and more hurt heaped on a boy who had already endured far more than his share? Or was he just being thick about this? She didn't want to guess wrong.

Argh! She needed to think! "That's all for today," she snapped, sheathed her sword, and set it aside. Where was Stormfly? They both needed to go flying.

The big blue Nadder was always eager for a flying session, of course. As they headed out to sea, Astrid could see some storm clouds forming up. They'd try to stay clear of those; she didn't want her dragon to earn her name literally. But she needed time away from the trials and confusion that surrounded her every time she tried to work with Hiccup. Up in the sky with her dragon, with no one talking at her or making demands on her, she could think clearly.

Why couldn't Hiccup see the need to be able to take care of himself? Hadn't he read any of those fanfics where Alvin or Dagur kidnapped him? Surely he must know that Toothless and Astrid couldn't always be there for him! He certainly wasn't stupid, so what was the big issue here?

Before she came to any conclusions, she noticed that the wind was picking up. Maybe it was time to head home before this storm made flight difficult. She directed Stormfly to turn right and head home.

As she came around, she nearly froze in fear of what she saw. A waterspout was forming! They were rare in the Northland, but everyone who lived near the coast knew how dangerous they could be. Stormfly needed no urging to keep her distance. They'd go around it and get home fast to warn the village.

Somehow, the column of water moved to block them. Three times they changed course, and three times the waterspout wound up in front of them again. Was this thing being guided by some malevolent god?

"Let's fly straight away from it, Stormfly. Once we've got some distance, we can choose our own course." The Nadder turned away from it, flapping hard against the wind. Astrid realized with horror that it wasn't working – the waterspout was pulling them in! Her dragon wasn't strong enough to fight those winds. Just before they entered it, Stormfly screamed in terror. Astrid had heard that sound only once before, when they were on the verge of being inhaled by the Red Death. Now they were being pulled in by something even stronger.

Then they were inside it, and were whipped in ever-tighter circles, nearly blinded by spray flying through the air at over a hundred miles per hour. In moments, she was too dizzy to know which way was up; she had to close her eyes to protect them. She clung to Stormfly's saddle for dear life, wishing she had riding straps with clips like Hiccup and Toothless used.

Just before she blacked out, she had the bizarre sensation of being carried a very great distance away from everything she'd ever known...


	2. Chapter 2

**The Wonderful Lizard of Laws** Chapter 2

When Astrid woke up, she found herself on the outskirts of an odd-looking small town. The houses were tiny and round, with overhanging roofs that made them look like huge mushrooms. From the center of the town, two paths spiraled outwards and headed in opposite directions; one was paved in red bricks, the other in white. The white bricks didn't look solid, but soft and squishy. Stormfly lay on her side nearby, moaning from what must have been a very hard landing. Astrid ran over to comfort her dragon, and noticed with horror that the Nadder had accidentally landed on someone! All she could see was his boots, sticking out from beneath the dragon. She reached out and stroked Stormfly's neck; the Nadder visibly perked up at the touch of her rider.

"Stormfly, I have a feeling we're not in Berk anymore," she said softly. As long as she had her axe and her dragon, she felt like she could handle anything, but these were completely unfamiliar surroundings. It would have been nice to have Hiccup around; he was a quick thinker who adapted easily to new situations. Maybe he wasn't the warrior that she knew he could be, but his other virtues made up for that, sometimes.

She heard a sound from behind her. It was one of the inhabitants of the town, cautiously emerging from his house. He was barely taller than a typical child, but had an adult's features, except that his hair was obviously fake. His clothing was extravagant and colorful, not a bit like Viking clothing. He stared at her. She stared back, unsure of what to say, or even if this odd-looking man spoke her language.

At last, he spoke. "Is it lunch time yet?" he asked in a high, squeaky voice.

"I don't know," she replied. "I have no idea what time it is. Does it matter?"

More of the townspeople began to step out of their homes. They all wore fanciful costumes in a wild array of colors, and most of them barely came up to her waist in height. None of them carried a weapon or wore a helmet. They approached her with a curious air, but drew back in a hurry as Stormfly struggled to her feet.

Then, at last, she saw a familiar face. It was Heather! The young woman strode toward them, wielding a double-ended axe-like weapon. She didn't fit in well here; she towered over the inhabitants of the town. As she passed them, one resident after another asked her, "Is it lunch time yet?" She kept shaking her head "no" until she stood next to Astrid, who was feeling very confused and out of place.

"Heather, can you tell me what's going on, and where I am, and who these people are?" she burst out.

"Who's Heather? I am the Good Witch of the North," Heather said with a small bow.

"I won't argue with the 'witch' part," Astrid said snidely. "Now, what _is_ this place?"

"You've been carried a very long distance by that waterspout; you're lucky you and your dragon weren't killed." She gestured all around her with her weapon. "These little people are all obsessed with eating lunch; it's their favorite meal of the day. So they call themselves the Lunchkins, and this place is Lunchkinland. They're very happy to see you because you just set them all free."

"I did? How did I do that?"

Heather pointed her weapon at Stormfly, who was watching all the people suspiciously. "Your dragon landed right on top of the Wicked Warlock of the East, who was ruling like a tyrant over all these people. If anyone disobeyed him, he'd use his enchanted clippers to cut their hair off, and it never grows back after that. That's why so many of them look like they're wearing fake hair. They are."

"I was wondering about that," she nodded. She glanced over to where the deceased Warlock lay on the ground... and stopped in shock. "That's Mildew!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know anything about mildew, or fungus, or any of that nasty stuff," Heather retorted. "That is the Wicked Warlock of the East... or at least, he used to be." She turned to a man in a dark-blue suit with an oddly-shaped hat and fake hair. "Check him out, please. Is he really _kaput?"_

The man knelt beside Mildew for a few seconds with a hand on his wrist, checked to see if he was breathing, then stood and sang,

"As coroner, I must aver,  
"Put him beneath six feet of dirt,  
" 'Cause not only is he merely dead,  
"He's really most sincerely dead."

"You're completely sure?" Heather wanted to know.

"Let me make myself very clear," the little man said. "He's passed on. This warlock is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late warlock! He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he –"

"Right, that's enough of that," Heather interrupted.

"Are you sure he's not pining for the fjords?" Astrid wondered.

"Don't _you_ start!" the coroner retorted. "Anyway, he's definitely kicked the bucket."

At this, the Lunchkins launched into a wild celebration, dancing energetically with each other as they sang, "Ding dong, the wicked warlock's dead!" Astrid had mixed feelings; she had no love for Mildew (if that's who it really was), but she didn't want to see him dead. Or was he really Mildew? Everyone seemed to have a different name here; maybe they were different people who just looked like the people she knew. She was feeling more and more lost and out of place here, wherever "here" was. Then she noticed something red and shiny lying on the ground next to the dead warlock. She picked it up.

"The enchanted clippers!" Heather gasped. The metal blades were as shiny as silver, and the two handles were encrusted with red gemstones. "They're beautiful. I want them!"

"Nope," Astrid said flatly as she hooked one handle of the clippers into her belt. "These ruby clippers are mine now. Finders keepers. All those gems must be worth a fortune, and if diamonds are a girl's best friend, rubies are somewhere in the Top Ten."

Heather moved as if to swing her axe at Astrid, but the warrior girl jumped back and unslung her own axe. Stormfly stepped up behind her with a snarl. The black-haired young woman realized that she was completely overmatched, and lowered her weapon. "All right, you win. What do you want from me?"

"Heather, the only thing I want from you is to tell me how to get home!" Astrid shot back,

"I don't know," she shrugged, "and I wish you'd stop calling me Heather! I told you, I am the Good Witch of the North. As for you getting out of here, I don't know, but I'll bet the Lizard of Laws will know."

"The Lizard of Laws? Who's he?"

"Oh, the Lizard is the wisest and most powerful dragon in this land! He makes the laws for all of us, and his laws are always good ones. If anyone will know how to get you home, it's him."

"The most powerful dragon?" Astrid turned to Stormfly with a grin. "That sounds like a challenge, girl!" Stormfly didn't understand the words, but she recognized that predatory tone in her rider's voice. She snuffed eagerly and looked around for someone to fight.

"Your dragon might be good," Heather warned her, "but no dragon can outfight the Lizard, or outthink him! He's the smartest lizard who ever was. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons. The Wizard will know the answer to your question, and any other question you can think of. If there's a way for you to get back home without riding another waterspout, he'll know."

"What do you mean, 'if?' " Astrid said indignantly. "There's always a way, and I'm going to find it! Now, where do I find this Lizard?"

"You need to get to his castle, which is in the city in the center of the Land of Laws. It's an ancient place with the occasional minor earthquake, so it's called the Tremor-Old City."

"Okay," Astrid nodded. "How do I get there?"

One of the Lunchkins stepped up to her. "Follow Marshmallow-Brick Road," he squeaked, pointing at the road of white bricks that spiraled out from the center of the town. One by one, the others echoed, "Follow Marshmallow-Brick Road!" "Follow Marshmallow-Brick Road!" "Follow Marshmallow-Brick Road!" "Is it time for lunch yet?"

"What happens if I take the red road instead?" she asked, ignoring the last one's question.

"That road leads straight to _my_ castle," roared an unfamiliar voice. There was a puff of smoke, and a huge man with Viking armor and a multi-horned helmet appeared out of nowhere. "I don't think you want to go there. But you will! Oh, yes, you will."

"Nobody tells _me_ where to go," Astrid answered. "Now what are _you_ doing here, Alvin? Don't tell me you rode a waterspout, too!"

"Who's Alvin? I am the Warlock of the West, and I am worse than the Warlock of the East. Much worse! Now give me those ruby clippers, or else!"

"Or else what?" she challenged him.

"Are you testing me?" he asked in disbelief. "A Viking Law-Speaker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Well, not really, but it sure makes me sound ferocious when I say it. Now hand over those clippers!"

"Don't do it!" Heather exclaimed. "Their magic must be very powerful, or he wouldn't want them so badly!"

"You stay out of this, girl," the big warlock snarled. "You aren't even supposed to be in this part of the world."

"I'm here by accident, just like Astrid. And just like you! So don't talk down at us or maybe she'll drop a dragon on you, too."

"Here by accident? Well, I can cause accidents, too!" Alvin rasped. "It's true that I can't deal with you here the way I'd like, but just try to stay out of my way! Just try!" He grinned. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your blue dragon, too!" He laughed and vanished in another puff of smoke.

"People sure come and go quickly around here," Astrid said to no one in particular.

"Speaking of which, I need to get back home before Windshear wonders where I've gone," Heather said firmly. "You've got a long walk ahead of you, so I'd suggest you get started. And, if I were you, I'd make some friends along the way. This stage is no place for a solo performer, especially with the Wicked Warlock of the West on your trail."

"Who said anything about a long walk?" Astrid protested. "I've got a dragon! We can fly there."

"Good luck with that," Heather retorted. "There's a reason Stormfly crash-landed, and there's a reason I didn't bring Windshear with me. The Lizard of Laws made a law here that says dragons can't fly! No one knows the reason why, but it's the law and it's a fact. No, girl, you're walking. Me, I'm going home a different way." She stretched out her hands and chanted, "Drizzle, Drazzle, Drozzle, Drome; time for this one to come home." She was quickly encased in a large bubble, which floated away on the breeze.

Astrid stared at where Heather had been for a few seconds. Then she turned to Stormfly. "Can you fly, just to prove that you can do it? Fly, girl!" The Nadder flapped her wings, leaped into the air... and thudded back to earth again. She looked back at her wings, startled and confused.

"Fine," Astrid sighed. "I guess Heather was being honest up front, instead of making me twist the truth out of her. Now I _know_ we're not in Berk. She'd never tell the truth on the first try if we were home." Girl and dragon began walking down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together.

"You're going to miss lunch," one of the locals called after her. She ignored him.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Wonderful Lizard of Laws** Chapter 3

 _A/N_  
 _To the guest reviewer who asked, "So you are only publishing positive reviews now?" The answer is, I delete negative reviews from guest accounts because there's no way to tell between honest criticism and an anonymous flame._ A _ssuming that you're the guest who drew a parallel to "Hiccup's Bride," y_ _our first review definitely fell into the "flame" category; it was a venomous nastygram without anything specific about what you hated so much. Yes, I delete those when they come from an anonymous source. No author appreciates attacks like those.  
_

 **o**

Walking on the Marshmallow-Brick Road was hard. The bricks sank under her feet if she stood too long in one place, so she had to keep moving. Astrid hadn't gone far before her legs grew tired. She paused to rest beside the road near a field of some kind of tall grain (the Vikings didn't know about corn) and looked around.

She was at a crossroads. The marshmallow bricks ran in all four directions; which way was the right way? "What do you think, Stormfly? Should we keep going straight, or should we take a turn?" The dragon ignored her; she was following her keen nose into the corn field. Something in the middle of the field had caught her attention.

The "something" turned out to be a figure of a man, tall and bulky, hanging on a pole. The man was dressed in rough rags and wore a wide-brimmed hat instead of a helmet. But he looked very familiar.

"Fishlegs? What are you doing up there?"

"I don't know what a fishlegs is," he answered. "I'm just a scarecrow. Actually, there are a lot of things I don't know. I know all kinds of useless facts, but... oh, is that a Deadly Nadder? Speed: 8, Armor: 16! Extremely dangerous, kill on sight."

"You'd better not kill my dragon!" Astrid warned him. "If you even try it, I'll take you out!"

"Okay! Okay!" he blurted out. "I didn't know he was your friend. Like I said, I only know useless stuff. I don't even know how to get down off this pole."

"I can fix that," she said firmly. She stepped behind him, unslung her axe, and took one whack at the rope that ran under his arms and held him to the pole. He slid down until he hit the ground, then bounced to his feet.

"Oh, that feels so much better!" he exclaimed. "Thank you! Have we met?"

"I used to think so, but everybody here is acting weird," she answered. "My name is Astrid, and this is Stormfly. We're going to the Tremor-Old City so I can ask the Lizard of Laws how I can get home again." She paused. "Maybe this Lizard would give you a brain, if you asked him nicely."

"Oh, I've already got a brain," he said confidently. "But I've got no common sense! That's what I really need. Do you think this Lizard could give me some?"

"What would you do with common sense if you had any?" she wondered.

"What would I do?" he replied. "Why, I'd..." He burst into song as music played from somewhere in the background.

"I'd make catapults and towers  
"For guarding what is ours,  
"A wonderful defense.  
"Raiders I'd be dispatching,  
"Leaky longships I'd be patching  
"If I had some common sense.

"And if Outcasts should belittle,  
"I wouldn't act so brittle,  
"But stand up for my friends."

Astrid finished the verse for him –  
"Mead and ale you'd be drinkin', and your feet, they would be stinkin', but you'd have some common sense."

The Scarecrow glared down at her. "Hey! Those words don't go with the rest of my song!"

Astrid glared right back at him. "You once rhymed 'Meatlug' with 'sea slug,' and _you're_ going to complain about _my_ lyrics? Forget it! It rhymes, and from a warrior like me, that's the best you're going to get. If you want clever words, then talk to Hiccup."

He hiccuped loudly. "No, that didn't help." He continued singing.

"Oh, I... could tell you why... the Vikings worship Thor.  
"I could translate when the dragons growl and roar.  
"And when they race... I'd know the score!"

"All my muscles I would toughen,  
"Keep up with Tuff and Ruff'n.  
"My fame would be immense.  
"I would be legendary,  
"Be a chieftain's secretary  
"If I had some common sense."

The background music ended, and Astrid grimaced. "A chieftain's secretary? You're really stretching to make a rhyme!"

The Scarecrow's shoulders drooped; then he smiled as he had a sudden thought. "Maybe I _should_ go to see this Lizard with you! Maybe he'll help me."

"I guess so," she said hesitantly. Then she brightened. "On second thought, make that a firm 'yes!' Heather — I mean the Good Witch of the North said I should make some friends while I'm walking, and you seem pretty harmless. Sure, you can go with me. As long as you do what I tell you."

"Yes, I will!" the Scarecrow exclaimed. "I never have any ideas of my own anyway, so you can do the thinking for the both of us. Oh, hurray! I'll finally get some common sense!"

"And I'll find out how to go home!" she added.

"Oh, you think so, do you?" rasped a male voice. There was a puff of dark smoke, and the Wicked Warlock of the West suddenly appeared next to them. "Your journey has barely even begun! And when you get where you're going, that's when your troubles will _really_ start! Save yourselves a world of hurt, and just give me those ruby clippers. I'm bound to get them anyway; it's just a question of how much pain you want to go through first."

"I can take quite a bit of pain," she warned him. "I can dish it out, too. Do you want a demonstration?"

"Later, my dear, later," the Wicked Warlock said patronizingly. "Don't be in such a hurry; you'll ruin my fun." Then he turned to the Scarecrow. "And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?"

"I'm not really brainless," the Scarecrow protested feebly.

"Oh, really?" the Warlock said archly. "Then tell me what you know about me."

The Scarecrow counted on his fingers. "Well, you've got a Strength rating of 16, a Mana score of 13, Intelligence of 4-1/2, the Charisma of an unwashed billy goat with fleas, and —"

 _"Enough!"_ the Warlock roared, formed a fireball in his hand, and tossed it at the Scarecrow. His target dodged it desperately, then threw himself face-down on the road, kicking and sobbing, "No fire! No fire! Anything but that!"

The Wicked Warlock chuckled deeply. "See what a brave, useful friend you've made, Astrid? He loves dragons, but he's afraid of fire! You might as well be going on this trip all by yourself. And if you think you'll do better with the next ones you meet... you're wrong! Just let me know when you've had enough. I'll take the clippers, and if I'm in a good mood, I might not punish you too hard for making me wait for them. But don't make me wait too long, little girl! You're trying my patience already, and when _I_ run out of patience... _you_ run out of time!" He laughed and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"He's getting repetitive," Astrid muttered. "Still, he could cause some trouble for me. I wish Hiccup was here." She helped the Scarecrow to his feet and they began walking down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Wonderful Lizard of Laws** Chapter 4

Astrid, Stormfly, and the Scarecrow made their way down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together. Trees arched over the road, which sheltered them from the sun, but sometimes made Stormfly duck her head to get under them. They heard no sound except for their own footsteps on the squishy bricks, the breeze in the trees, and an occasional distant songbird. It seemed to be a very peaceful place, which made Astrid nervous.

Then they heard some kind of conflict ahead. "A fight! This, I know how to deal with!" she grinned as she strode toward the bend in the road just ahead of them. They turned the corner and found two familiar-looking people fighting over a single-bladed axe.

"It's mine!"  
"It is not!"  
"I had it first!"  
"No, I did!"  
"You used it yesterday, so it's my turn!"  
"You used it two days in a row, so it's still my turn!"  
"Give it to me!"  
"Try and take it!"

Astrid nearly addressed them as Ruffnut and Tuffnut, but realized that they would probably deny their own identities, like everyone else in this strange place. She settled for shouting, "Hey! What's going on here? Who are you?"

The thin young man and woman stopped their argument to look at her, but neither one would let go of the axe. "We're the Twin Woodmen," the Woodgirl said, "and we're supposed to cut trees down, but this idiot won't give me the axe!"

"You're the idiot!" the Woodman countered.  
"I know you are, but what am I?"  
"You're a troll!"  
"I know you are, but what am I?"  
"You're a fat pig!"  
"I know you are, but what am I?"  
"You're a –"

"Guys!" Astrid interrupted. "Can you stop fighting, just for a minute? I need to know if we're on the right road that leads to the Tremor-Old City!"

"We can't stop fighting," the Woodman said sadly.

"We don't know how," his sister added. "No matter what we do, we just can't get along."

"Huh." Astrid looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, we're going to see the Lizard of Laws. He's supposed to be very smart. Maybe he could help the two of you learn how to get along."

"Really?" the twins chorused. The Woodgirl gazed at her brother appraisingly. "Just think of the things we could do together!" Background music began playing as they took turns singing –

Him: "I would win if there's a war on –"  
Her: "And not be such a moron!"  
Him: "You're messing up my song!"  
Her: "Maybe I'm just assuming you would finally get some grooming if we just could get along."

Her: "We could tell you 'bout this road, oh –"  
Him: "Not look like Quasimodo!"  
Her: "You had to get it wrong!"  
Him: "I would tell guys you're snuggly and I wouldn't call you 'ugly' if we just could get along."

Him: "Picture me, a Viking chief! My subjects all bow low."  
Her: "Hallucinating, aren't you, bro? You'll just get beat!"  
She snatched the axe and hammered on his helmet twice with the flat of it – Bong! Bong!  
Him: "Hey, neat!"

Her: "We'd go raiding on the oceans!"  
Him: "And earn the big promotions we've wanted all along."  
Her: "You would not be such a dummy,"  
Him: "And you wouldn't look so scummy,"  
Both: "If we just could get along!"

"Then why don't you go with us?" the Scarecrow asked them. "I'm sure the Lizard of Laws can help you, just like he's going to help me get some common sense."

"That sounds good," the Woodman nodded, "but which one of us gets to carry the axe while we're walking?"

"I do!"  
"No, I do!"  
"I told you, it's my turn!"  
"You're such an idiot!"

Astrid resolved the issue in true Astrid fashion by grabbing the axe herself. "Hey!" the twins protested.

"I know a thing or two about axes," she said smugly. "I promise I'll take good care of it." She touched the edge. "This blade is seriously dull, you know. I could cut down a tree in half the time with my own axe. One of you ought to sharpen this thing."

"It's your turn to sharpen it!"  
"I sharpened it last time!"  
"You did a crummy job!"  
"At least I sharpened it!"

Stormfly had had enough; she gave the twins a sharp snarl that silenced both of them.

"Yeah, like she said," Astrid said approvingly. "If you want to go with us to the Tremor-Old City, you can't be fighting the whole time, or one of us will kill you!"

"I think she wants us to call a truce," the Woodgirl decided.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," the Woodman agreed reluctantly. They spat in their palms and shook hands.

"You're on the right road," the Woodgirl said, "but how far away is this Tremor-Old City?"

"I don't know," Astrid thought out loud, "but I think it's quite a long ways away."

"Is it dangerous?" the Woodman wanted to know.

"Well, there's a Wicked Warlock on my trail," Astrid replied. "Is that dangerous enough for you?"

"We were hoping for some action along the road," the Woodgirl said.

"You might get some," the Scarecrow decided. "Of course, I don't know for sure, because I only know useless stuff about dragons, but I've heard people say that there are Outcasts on this road."

"And Berserkers?" the Woodman asked eagerly.

"And jerks?" the Woodgirl finished.

"Oh, yes, all of those," the Scarecrow nodded. They all began chanting, "Outcasts, Berserkers and jerks, oh my! Outcasts, Berserkers and jerks, oh my!"

Suddenly, a burly Viking warrior with curly horns on his helmet leaped out of the bushes to block their path. He brandished his mace. "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" he demanded. "Who wants to fight me first?"

"Snotlout?" Astrid burst out.

"Don't call me that, pretty girl, if you want to live to see another sunrise," he snarled.

"Okay, then who are you?" she said.

The Woodman nudged his sister. "Well, he's not an Outcast and he's not a Berserker." The Woodgirl snorted.

The warrior glared around at all of them. "I am the Courageous Lord, and I'll fight you all together if you want." He whirled to face Astrid. "Pulling an axe on me, eh?"

"Actually, I've got two axes now," she retorted, "and I'm not afraid to use them!" She dropped the woodsmen's axe and brandished her battle-axe. Stormfly stepped up behind her, sensing a fight, and snarled at the man.

"Well, I'll get you anyway, you big blue lizard!" The warrior flung his mace at the dragon... and missed. Stormfly cackled at him, as did Astrid.

"The sun was in my eyes!" he protested. "I could move the sun, but -" He was interrupted by a close-range blast of Nadder fire, which he dodged with a cry. All his bravado gone, he hid behind the Scarecrow, begging, "Don't let him get me! Don't let him get me!"

"It's a girl dragon, just so you know," Astrid snapped. "And you... you call yourself the Courageous Lord who can move the sun? You're nothing but a big coward! A cowardly liar!"

"No, I'm not," he protested. "I'm brave enough. I'm just incompetent. I start with good battle plans, but I can't follow through on them." He wiped away a tear, then shook his head savagely. "I'm not crying! I've just got the sun in my eyes again."

"Yeah, right," the Woodman muttered.

Astrid shook her head. "I could almost feel sorry for you, except you attacked my dragon. I don't like people who do that."

"I had to!" he burst out. "That's what Vikings do, isn't it?"

"Attack other people's dragons?" Astrid demanded.

"No, get into stupid fights for no reason," he answered. "I'm just trying to be the kind of warrior that my dad can be proud of. But it never works, because I can't finish what I start."

The Scarecrow asked, "Would things really be better if you _could_ finish what you start?"

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Everything would be better! I could..." Astrid grimaced as the background music began playing again.

"I could throw my mace and hammer  
"From now 'til Gotterdammer- ung,  
"And hit my targets, too.  
"Things would change; I know that'll  
"Mean that I could win my battles  
"If I just could follow through."

"I could –"

Astrid jumped in front of him. "No, no more singing, that's enough," she interrupted. The music droned down and ended. "Using the same melody as the other two is bad enough, but rhyming 'hammer' with 'Gotterdammerung?' Forget it! You're done!"

"I thought it was pretty good," he nearly whimpered. "Are you saying I've got no hope?"

"As a lyricist, none at all," she said flatly. "You can't follow through on song lyrics any better than you can at fighting."

"Maybe he should come with us," the Scarecrow suggested. "Maybe the Lizard of Laws can help him, too."

 _"You_ forget it!" the Cowardly Liar exclaimed, folding his arms firmly. "I am _not_ taking help from a stupid dragon!"

"I hear that he's a very clever dragon, not stupid at all," Astrid said mildly. "Besides, he might be your only hope for changing your future. If you don't go to see him, you'll be nothing but a Snotlout for the rest of your life."

The Liar thought about that. "Well... I'll walk in the same direction you are, but I'm _not_ going _with_ you! And if there's really a smart lizard in this city that you're going to, and if he can help me, then it had nothing to do with you, okay? And stop calling me Snotlout!"

"Fine, whatever," she nodded. "And when you get in trouble and you need help, we never knew you."

The warrior thought about that for a second, then drooped. "Okay, you win, I'll go with you." Then he snapped upright again. "But if we fight a battle and win, then I get all the glory, right?"

"Sure, help yourself," Astrid said absently. "I just want to get back home." The unlikely group set off down the Marshmallow-Brick Road together.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Wonderful Lizard of Laws** Chapter 5

Astrid, Stormfly, the Scarecrow, the Twin Woodmen, and the Cowardly Liar strode out of the forest. The Marshmallow-Brick Road stretched ahead of them across a huge field of pretty red flowers. Far in the distance, they could make out the outline of a city, shining brightly against the horizon.

"It's the Tremor-Old City!" the Scarecrow exclaimed.

"We're almost there!" the Woodgirl added.

"Let's run so we can get there quicker!" her brother chimed in.

"That's too far to run," Astrid decided, then yawned hugely. "In fact, why don't we take a quick nap before we cross this field? That way, we'll be fresh when we get to the City."

"Sounds good, pretty lady," the Liar agreed through a yawn of his own. "Maybe we could nap together?"

"In your dreams," she sighed as she lay down against Stormfly. The others scattered nearby and found comfortable places to curl up and rest.

"No!" roared Alvin as he watched the scene through his mystical sunstone. "I don't want them to sleep! I want them to push on to the point of exhaustion so they'll be more vulnerable to my little tricks! But how to keep them awake? Hmm... it has to be distracting and full of energy, but pleasing to the senses." He grinned malevolently. "Puppies! Puppies won't let them sleep."

As the group began to nod off, they were distracted by a sudden chorus of excited yips and yaps. At least a dozen small, cute puppies burst out of the forest and threw themselves at the travellers, jumping on them and licking their faces. Even the Cowardly Liar couldn't help smiling at them.

"We're never going to get any rest this way," Astrid half-protested, but her heart wasn't in it. The puppies were so adorable!

The Woodgirl tried to fend them off; they were grabbing her braids with their teeth and tugging on them. "Astrid, the last time we saw a bunch of small, cute animals, it was when the dragon eggs exploded. This isn't going to end up like that adventure, is it?"

"I kind of hope it does," the Liar answered for her. "I could use a little excitement!"

"Isn't it strange," the Scarecrow mused, "that these puppies just appeared out of nowhere, right when we were trying to get some rest?" The others ignored him, completely distracted.

"Come on, you little guys! Leave us alone!" Astrid giggled. "We really need to rest!" But there was no rest in sight.

Then, just as suddenly as they had arrived, the puppies left. They had seen something out in the field that was even more interesting to them than the people were. It was a bright-red metal pipe, about eight inches across, that stood three feet tall. It had a domed top and two stubby arms that also ended in domes. Astrid and the others had never seen anything like it, and they didn't understand why the puppies were so fascinated by it. People in the future would call it a "fire hydrant" and would understand perfectly. In any event, Astrid and her companions were now free to relax and catch some Z's. Alvin, watching through his sunstone, used some very ungentlemanly language.

When the traveling party awoke, they were quite refreshed, and they set a brisk pace so they could get to the Tremor-Old City before sunset. When they arrived, they found the tall gates to the city closed. There was a pull-rope for a bell nearby, so Astrid marched up and pulled it. A deep bell resounded. After a moment, a round window in the gate opened and an angry-looking bald man stuck his head out the door.

"Who rang that bell?" he demanded.

"I did," Astrid said confidently.

"Can't you read?" the man snapped.

"Not very well," the Woodman admitted.

"Read what, sir?" the Scarecrow asked mildly.

"The notice!" the man exclaimed. They looked for a notice and saw nothing. Astrid began to protest, but the Liar cut her off.

"Why read words when you can just smash the stuff the words tell you stuff about?" With no further ado, he kicked the gate open. They heard a cry and a thud from inside. They looked in and found the bald man lying on the ground, rubbing a bump on his head; evidently, when the Liar kicked the gate, it had sent him flying.

"Okay, now we've got that settled," Astrid commented. "Which way do we go to see the Lizard of Laws?"

"You can't," the man retorted. "Nobody sees the Lizard, no way, no how!"

"Then... how do you know he's real?" the Scarecrow wondered out loud.

The man shook his head. "Don't confuse me with logic! You're new here. Do you have to be so irritating?"

"That's my specialty," the Woodgirl grinned.

"No, everybody knows I'm more irritating," her brother shot back. "See?" He made a face and blurbled his tongue at her.

 **o**

 _A/N  
...and this is where I ran out of ideas. I'm sorry, but this is it. I hope you liked what you read. Maybe I'll get some more ideas and finish this some day, but I won't make any promises that I might not be able to keep._


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